Does this sound familiar? You’re trying so very hard to get to know this new little person and give them absolutely everything they need exactly when they need it. You’re exhausted, worried and in pain. And then your partner forgets to clean the baby’s bottle and you lose it! You go bat shit crazy on them.
Mama, it happens to even the best of us.
When you’re a new mom, your babies needs completely envelop you. It’s so hard not to get lost in this unpredictable, demanding world where a tiny human dictates your every move. The rather volitile mixture of hormones, sleep deprivation, adrenaline and lack of time for your needs can make it hard to be a good partner.
What I really, really want you to know:
Those hard moments don’t have to last and they don’t mean your relationship is beyond repair.
Here are some guidelines for keeping your relationship strong as you walk this rocky path of new parenthood. Most of what I have learned and used in my own life comes from John and Julie Gottman, my relationship heros. They are incredible, find them here: https://www.gottman.com/
The most important thing I want you to remember is: Small things often.
Make an effort to something small, even tiny, to show love, connection, support, and appreciation to your partner every day. Remind yourself by setting an alarm on your phone, write it on your hand, or put it on your calendar. Small moments add up and ultimately mean more than big gestures.
Here are some sample Small things often actions you can start taking now:
- send a text telling your partner thank you for something,
- write a note about one thing you admire about your partner & stick it on the mirror or their lunchbox
- embrace for at least 30 seconds upon parting and re-uniting
- ask them about their day and truly listen
- compliment their parenting
- share a six second kiss
- brag about your partner to others (preferably within their hearing)
- pick up their favorite beverage while you’re at the store
- hold hands
- send a picture of you and baby while they are away at work to let them know you are thinking of them
- say please and thank you
-
talk about something other than the baby once in a while
In addition to Small things often, there are a few other things to keep in mind.
1. Be honest. You need to be honest with yourself and your partner about how you are feeling and what you need. You deserve to be supported mama! Don’t hide from your partner and don’t try to protect them from the truth.
2. Remember you’re both learning. Inevitably you are going to feel frustrated and even angry with your partner and that is okay. We can’t keep our shit together every minute of the day! Allow yourself space to be angry and then take a breath and remember: this is new for both of you. You are learning not only how to care for a child but how to do this together and how to be in relationship with another person around all the time. Give yourself compassion. It will be easier to be kind to your partner when you are loving and understanding yourself, mistakes and all.
3. Factor in sleep deprivation: sleep deprivation can seriously mess with your mind and emotions. If you are feeling out of control emotionally, sleep isprobably be playing a big role. Try not to have any important conversations (or arguments!) until you’ve had at least a few hours of rest.
4. When you have a concern, complaint or frustration soften your start up: in this new role, you will need to communicate and negotiate about how life is going to go and how the new partnership needs to work. A soft start up means no yelling, no stomping, no harsh accusations. It means telling your partner calmly and kindly what your concern is. Keep this rule of thumb in mind:
Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?
5. Please understand that I am in no way, shape or form saying that you are the ONLY one responsible for keeping your relationship strong. This is called a partnership for a reason. Take some time to talk together about how you want your relationship to be and how you want to treat each other. Set up agreements and do your best to stick to them.